mood: melancholy

so i started the day off right by missing the bus and getting a ride from my cute neighbor with a hot car because my mom told me i had to walk...

most unexpected:

ally: mike is a sex kitten.

me: mike, can i have a piece of your sex kitten-ness?

mike: jen, you already have, only you were too drunk to remember.

whoah...unMike-like. we shall see what other sponataneity is spewed from the sex kitten.

incredibly hard math test. my mind was just not fixed in math mode. think i did alright on the global though. decent grade in english.

won our game. they really sucked. but they came close to beating us.. i got my serve back. thankfully.

oh, did i mention i'm receiving the silent treatment from my mother. and a few people hate me right now or at least are intent on not talking to me as much as possible.

my house is frigid right now. in more ways than one.

maybe it is me.

MILF. haha...danny boy..

"I think I ate bad pizza."

Dancing with Pops..and caitlin. wendell, i know you must be jealous now.

ripping off noelle.

finding the dungeon/interrogation room. we will investigate further tomorrow.

"and i  would walk 500 miles and i would walk 500 more just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door."

would i?

mood: drained music: Thursday - A Hole in the World

have you ever had one of those days, where you don't even realize all the bad stuff that's happening because you're surrounded by all of the people that you try to convince yourself you love, even though you don't?

sometimes you go so far, that you just can't stop. i didn't realize until it was said and i saw the hurt in your eyes. i wish i could rewind this day. this week. this month. this summer. and start all over again.

if it takes more courage to survive than to die, i guess i must be a COWARD.

chaque temps que je te vois, je morte en l'interieur mais je mets une face heureuse ou je te dit les cruels mots.

i'm drowning and i wish you would save me. though i doubt you'll even notice until it's too late.

i hate seeing happy couples.

the last time i felt safe was in your arms. and it was so long ago, i've forgotten what it felt like.

i promised myself. i always break those promises.

i'm so confused.

boring daily summary: almost fell asleep first period. he goes so slow. i actually almost ripped my hair out, i was holding onto it so tightly from frustration. fudged up the english test. left two blank. at least an 80 now. global, watched a movie about peter the great which was awesome. chem lab. wow. just wow. she got all pissy with us because we were slightly behind everyone else and there was still like fifteen minutes left to the period. shitty practice. there's so much tension. i think i'll be able to play tomorrow. not sure though. oh alright. and here's the best part. so i closed and locked my gym locker with over $250 worth of merchandise in it because someone's been stealing from the girl's locker room. unfortunately, i forgot to take out my combo number and i locked it in my locker. had to find the custodians, who didn't have a key (amazingly) to the locks. bellucci didn't either. and then i had to ask coach ferraro and interrupt his practice. did i mention that he hates me beyond all comprehension. then, the late bus. holy shit. three to a seat baby. and then a whole bunch of people got off b/c it was so crowded.  ugh and there was this kid that kept spitting out the window and it kept coming back in. disgusting.

and now, i just got home and my comp is being an ass. like total ass. read my emails (sort of because of fing comp) and saw the one from justine from last night. oh i totally fucked up feudalism. so. perfect ending perfect day.

mood: sad music: Taking Back Sunday - Cute Without the E

acquired cold urticaria - fucking joy.

mm, today was a pretty crap day. maybe i was pmsing.

bet with kai. i say i won't get a boyfriend for another two to three years. he says i will before the end of this year. i have to actually try. we can't go out with each other if he gets desperate for winning. this should be interesting. usually i lose bets. maybe there will be an exception. lol

had to run for five minutes straight in gym. then practice had to run for another five minutes while doing training things. almost got queen of the court. really pissed me off. didn't do to well in hitting. passes were off. damn. he really annoys me. but then again, he annoys everyone. we wish coach markoe (the female version) would be our full time coach. don't think it's going to happen.

bus was packed. got roy to give me part of a smores bar. talked to jill on the way home. first time i've actually talked about pleasantville in awhile.

doing projects now. they're really fudgey. missing peer leadership tonight. ugh. yearbook tomorrow. shit i have to write my english essay tomorrow. yes liz. we are royally fucked up the ass...

mm tired.

i know exactly what's going on

then, why can't i shake this feeling of being lost, broken, used, and confused.

mood: fascinated music: the used - blue and yellow

if you wanted honesty that's all you had to say. i never wanted to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way. -my chemical romance; i'm not okay, i promise

love like you've never been hurt.

( start here )

mood: happy music: radio

So yesterday went to go see Hero which was pretty rad. i didn't like how it was mostly all fighting but it was a bit twisty which was of course good. and the whole color change thing was brilliant.

i go into the theater first to get seats and stuff because the previews have already started. guy at the ticket stand starts hitting on me. find out later that justine went out with him for like 7 hours.. lol anyway so we all get in and sit down. order: mike me griff justine and dell. in a few short seconds we find out that justine didn't bring her glasses therefore, wendell starts reading the subtitles off of the screen for her. did i mention we weren't the only ones in there. a few death threats later, they stop. but then mike starts in, 'you brought me to a movie with subtitles?! no!!!' and as griffin says 'shut up mike. just because your cultural experiences don't go past kfc doesn't mean we can't enjoy it' i love that kid..anyway..so soon thereafter, wendell and griffin start taking off justine's shoes and throwing them across the theater. then..because my feet are up on the seat, wendell sneaks around the other row grabs my foot starts to take off my shoe and griffin and justine take the other one. yes i'm spread eagle. yes mike joins in. yes i'm beating griffin and justine's hands with my fist. and yes the other two people in the theater are laughing their asses off because of the distance wendell was getting on throwing the shoes. then, my cell phone falls out of my pocket. and for ten minutes after the movie i'm looking under all of the seats with griffin and dell helping. ha. turns out griffin stole it from my pocket and gave it to dell. then they run into the bathroom. coem back out and tell me and justine, it's on the baby changing station. so i ask a guy going in if he could check to see if it was there. and then i shout in, after wendell goes in a second later, just don't give it to the little black kid. second later...yes an african american teenager comes out. and it's not wendella. so they come out. chase them around the entire outlet. give up. then we go to pizza hut for bacon stuffed crust pizza and arcade games. awesome. then the car ride...i'm never going in a car with them again when i'm sitting within arm distance, wearing a hoodie, and have a seatbelt that's attached to a wall. griffin, you're dying monday and if i can't get the string back in or the menthol strips/ink/grass/hornet/etc. out of my hair, you're screwed.

anyway. when i get home, clean room and br for erica and make wontons with frankie and blaine. mm yummy chicken cutlet with penne a la vodka. hand rolled penne. from italy. ::salivates::

then erica my love comes over and we have a fucking awesome time just talking and watching donnie darko (yes rach i finally saw it), bend it like beckham (awesome movie, unconventional movie ..the nuzzle ::sigh::), and the breakfast club (haha...he so does not look like elijah, except the part when he was high with the sunglasses..and the flare gun. lmfao; you wanna know why i came here? i had nothing better to do)

mm yeah..good times. we have to do that again.

hello darkness my old friend. i've come to talk to you again.

You almost always pick the best times
To drop the worst lines
You almost made me cry again this time
Another false alarm
Red flashing lights
Well this time I'm not going to watch myself die
I think I made it a game to play your game
And let myself cry
I buried myself alive on the inside
So I could shut you out
And let you go away for a long time

So turn up the corners of your lips part them and feel my finger tips trace the moment, fall forever defense is paper thin just one touch and i'll be in
too deep now to ever swim against the current so let me slip away

I don't know what's worth fighting for or why i have to scream i don't know why i instigate and say what i don't mean i don't know how i got this way i'll never be alright so i'm breaking the habit i'm breaking the habit tonight

I wish I was far away from here

   ...and you were with me.

mood: blank music: Muse - Time is running out

Manhunt last night. Was alright. Quite hard in the dark and I was tired. Met some new, amazing people. Mom came early so I couldn't go swimming, but whatever.

the stars will cry the blackest tears tonight. and this is the moment that i live for. i can smell the ocean air. here i am pouring my heart onto this these rooftops. just a ghost to the world that's exactly what i am.

sick and tired of this world there's no more air tripping over myself going nowhere waiting suffocating no direction i took a dive and on the way down i saw you and you saved me from myself and i won't forget the way you loved me. on the way down i almost fell right through but i held onto you.

it's hard to write what i'm feeling sometimes. and it just seems to get harder each day.

mood: elated

let's see: chris a. (bob) came to school today which was awesome ...discussed the mating rituals of preying mantis' with lizzie at lunch. awesome practice. and coach even said i'm doing really well for being a year out of it. i got the ball in the basket! which meant i didn't have to run sprints along with chelsey and ...goddamit i forgot her name again oh wait! juliana. and i can't forget to mention that wendell looked exceptionally sexy today in his dress shirt and if he doesn't wear it again he's going to be pummeled. and i convinced wendell to come on the bus yay! haven't talked to you in like..a week. which is pathetic. mm..presidential fitness: 0 pullups and 49 v-sits.

[don't get on my back. worry about all of your sick problems, you need help. jus think, it's only the beginning. everything's gonna fall apart at your feet. will you survive? be ashamed, you won't make it. alright, i've said my part now it's your turn, take up your gun and be a man] i love you. and i'm here for you. stay strong my love. everything will be alright.

not much else happened and i have to take a shower right now because i smell.

day #4 of sophmore year at pawling high.

::sigh:: you're a sexy man.

mood: sad music: all the songs on my computer

school overview: nothing much happened today. got assigned two more essays, put into soprano section, and mike poured hot wax into the sink in his bio lab class..volleyball game. couldn't even practice because they don't have a uniform for me yet.

I feel so alone. I am so alone.

they say freak when you're singled out. the red well it filters through.

Walking around I hear the sound of the earth seeking relief.. I'm trying to find a reason to live..But the mindless clutter my path..

shot down a bullet to my head, your words are like a gun in hand

It seems I found the road to nowhere and I'm trying to escape I yelled back when I heard thunder but I'm down to one last breath and with it let me say let me say hold me now I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking maybe six feet ain't so far down

whose eyes am I behind, I don't recognize anything that I see. whose skin is this design. i don't want this to be the way that you see me.

And I just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed and I take back all the things I said

Everything that I believe is fadinghey

I stand alone inside

they say that the higher you are, the harder you fall. well if i was the closest to heaven that i'll ever be, i must be lower than hell right now or at least approaching that level.

court today. went alright.

I have to get out of this house or else I'm going to tear myself apart. She's driving me crazy.

i love you, but i don't have to like you.

( Blink182, I Miss you - I have a proposition for you so come online or call me or something...hopefully soon. like..before 8:30, thought I doubt you still read this anyway.. )